I am a member of my local Mother of Preschoolers (MOPS) group. We meet twice a month to finally talk to another adult and drink coffee that isn’t cold with a Lego in it. Last week, we met for our only December meeting. The look of bewilderment, exhaustion and overall twitchiness I felt from these mamas was pretty universal. We planned a day of games, all things sweet and relaxation. It felt a bit like military R&R as we headed into battle this holiday season.
Even the speech was ominous. Our fearless leader spoke of how the idea behind our holiday party was to let loose one last time before we took care of everyone else in the home. I looked around the room at many thousand yard stares and relished every second of our time together. We were ready. It was time.
We suited up with our infinity scarves, leggings, knee-high boots and headed out into the wintery weather to face the Christmas music.
As I climbed into my minivan, sweaty from wrestling four children into their car seats but glowing from mommy-time, I wondered: what about us? What’s on our Christmas lists?
Then, I knew. I got you, girlfriends. Here is the universal FREE list for mommy’s whether they’re naughty or nice because cut us some fucking slack we are held together with tinsel and Starbucks at this point.
Here you go, ladies.
- Hot coffee. It doesn’t even have to be good coffee. Our mouths are singed from gulping down the first and only hot sip we are allotted per day, anyway. We just want a few days per year that our coffee is eternally warm.
- No bitching about our Priming. Dear men, we really don’t care if you buy us anything. Most of the time, we would prefer to pick out our own shit. So, for one year, please just shut your pie hole about the mountain of Prime boxes on the doorstep. Most of it is toilet paper and bleach, anyway. So what if we sneak a few pairs of leggings in there? We deserve it, damn it.
- Time to wrap. Let’s face it. We are all way too neurotic to actually give up control when it comes to Christmas wrapping. But, it would be nice to have it done before the 11th hour on Christmas Eve. Maybe take the kids anywhere so we can handle this shit in the daylight.
- Go to sleep without World War II. Oh, we know, Christmas is so thrilling. We are gaga over matching PJs, hot cocoa, cookies, meticulously laying out said cookies and milk, 867 pictures in front of the tree and reading The Night Before Christmas at least a dozen times. However, when mom says it’s time for bed, let’s haul ass without a hassle. We all know we decided to nap instead of wrap presents when we had the chance so we have at least 8 hours of wrapping and maybe one trip to Target before sunrise.
- Don’t change your mind. My dear, darling son nonchalantly mentioned to his great grandma that he wants a Mickey Mouse airplane for Christmas. I quickly retorted, “But you asked Santa for a blue and white airplane. There was no mention of Mickey Mouse.” He whispered in my ear, “Maybe I will change my mind.” You bet your sweet ass I am going to be bragging up the pros of flight for blue and white airplanes as opposed to the cheaply made communist plane driven by Mickey Mouse. That, or I will have a heart attack and be at Walmart at 2 am December 24th. Please, don’t do this to me, I mean Santa, this year.
And that’s it. Five simple things that will make moms’ lives a million times easier this season and won’t cost you a dime. This means more Happy Holidays and less merry fucking Christmas!