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Mother’s Day Payback: Love You, Mom

Mother’s Day Payback: Love You, Mom

Here’s the thing you should know about my mom and me. We have a weird relationship. I mean, she is my best friend and has been since…well, literally forever. However, as much as I want to write a long-winded diatribe about how I will never measure up to the size 7 shoes she fills, I am not. Well, that’s not true, I would never fit in a size 7 because, like many things genetic, I inherited none of her dainty, beautiful traits. I got all the big-boned German from around the world and look nothing like her.

My mom knows how much she means to me. She and I talk at least once a day every day. If I know my mom, the one wish she has had for every Mother’s Day since she had a tween, it was that I would one day have children exactly like myself. She sat smugly through every one of my pubescent tantrums, sipping her tea and awaiting her turn to say, “I told you so.” However, my kids have been bittersweet for my mother. While she loves them to the ends of time and would seriously set up a kill room if anyone so much as accidentally tripped one of them, she must be somewhat disappointed at how well behaved they all are (So far! For the love of God! So far! Don’t jinx me).

That’s why I’m convinced my mom recently adopted two dogs. You see, my mom has had the same decrepit Boston Terrier for 14 years. Suddenly, last year, my mom decided to adopt a Bernese Mountain Dog and a chocolate lab. Well, the lab was a few months ago.

Anyway, today, my mom dropped off her wolf pack for me to watch casually while she ran some errands. I was leery as she left and her Bernese, named Rookie, took running leaps against my patio door causing the house to shake. She assured me, once she was gone, all would be super swell.

All was not super swell.

First, the baby gate I had in place to keep the dogs outside was blasted into a million small shards.

Then, as I was attempting to piece together the mayhem, I went to find the lab, Spice, who was halfway under the back fence like Chance in Homeward Bound. 

As I sweatily hauled boulders to cover the holes (did I mention I am also watching four children and my own dog on top of this?), Spice squeaked through the fence and pranced around the yard. I had dirt smeared across my brow as I lunged at her and got her scared enough of the bedlam in my eyes to scoot into the house.

When I got her inside, I could hear my son screaming, “Mom! This is an EMERGENCY!” And I tripped over five dogs to get to the back door where he was covered, and I mean covered in hot, fresh dog diarrhea. Under his nail. Bottoms of his feet. Smeared all over his clothes.

I stripped him down to nothing in the backyard while he screamed, “Mom!!!! Are the POLICE GOING TO ARREST ME FOR BEING NAKED?!!!!” Over and over until the hushed whispers of my neighbor’s Mother’s Day party on the other side of the fence assured me everyone was aware of the situation.

When I got back in the living room, Spice had escaped the leash I tied her up on and pranced around with the glee of a thousand pigs in shit.

So, here I sit, awaiting my mother’s return. One glass of wine in. Four sleeping dog at my feet and thanking the shit out of my mom for putting up with 10 times this on a daily basis from my brother and me. You are an angel and I would do it again. Maybe, like 10 years from now? 20? Either way, love your guts and would do anything. You bring the wine next time.

Take On Too Much Disorder: Time to Relax

Take On Too Much Disorder: Time to Relax

One of my favorite pastimes is perusing WebMD for a new illness or disorder I didn’t know I had. Other than comparing each and every mole on my body to their cancerous photo gallery, my next favorite use of WebMD is trying to decipher what is wrong with my brain.

This week, I have concluded that while I show a lot of Bipolar or Generalized Anxiety Disorder tendencies, I truly am in a land of my own. I have Take On Too Much Disorder or TOTMD.

What are the symptoms of such a specific disease, you ask? Let me tell you.

  1. Never say no. Want to come to my Tupperware party? Of course! Join the PTA? Yep! Get another dog? I suppose I could handle that. Have more kids? Okay, I said “disorder” not “full-fledged insanity.”
  2. Do more than expected. I have this sick desire to constantly go above and beyond. School requires 10 hours of volunteering, you bet your ass I want to do 20. Plan to write three times a week. Better make that six and never sleep again. Want to start exercising? Better be ready for a marathon by spring or does it even count?
  3. Start endless “ideas.” This week, I learned about “Snackleboxes” which are tackleboxes to put healthy snacks in for the day that your kids can help themselves to. Well, I bought mine Bento boxes, filled one and it still has snacks in it from Wednesday. Our fridge has our family calendar on it from October, the one and only month I did a family calendar. Or the toybox I bought a year ago for my new minimalist lifestyle that is still in the box. Or the book club I joined because I was determined to read classic novels and I am one page into Jane Eyre and not sure I can go back…
  4. Spiral. I have been told I do too much every single month of my life. I constantly brush it off like I don’t know inevitably it all ends in my unshowered, eating Pillsbury dough dipped in Nutella and crying. There’s always a spiral.
  5.  Make rash decisions. For instance, I started getting nervous this week that I was bored in my weight loss routine and starting to gain weight. So, I decided to double down and bet $100 on DietBet that I could lose 4% of my body weight in four weeks. Obviously, completely necessary.

Let’s just say, the last couple of weeks have been a TOTMD spiral around here. Some of my spinning wheels cogged the machine and it all fell to shit. Mix that with a super bug that took out all four kids and I am barely alive.
So, I am going to continue to write because it soothes my crazies, but maybe, just maybe, I can ease the throttle around here for a hot second.

What crazy things do you do as a parent? Let me know in the comments!

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Out with the Old: How I Trained Myself to Get Healthy

Out with the Old: How I Trained Myself to Get Healthy

Having recently lost just shy of 100 pounds, I get added to quite a few weight loss groups. I also get asked a lot of questions. What’s your secret? What do you eat? Is it hard? I don’t want to feel like I am on a diet. Do you feel like you’re on a diet?

I feel like a bit of a disappointment that I am not Richard Simmons-ing across their computer screens screaming, “You can do it! Put that danish back and Jazzercise! We can all be size zero by the New Year!”

Well, I am here to tell you there are no easy answers. I know most of you are wishing I have a potion in the trunk of my car I will trade you for an internal organ, I do not.  I’m sorry. Believe me, I wish I did. I wish I did all those times I couldn’t zip up my pants. When I broke two toilet seats and blamed it on my kids. When I learned about mom gut and all the jiggles that go with it. Damn. I wish I had the cure all any of those times. Actually, knowing me, I would have overdosed on all of it and I would just be the size of a pool noodle right now.

Even though I am a very untrustworthy source, here’s what I have to tell you. All of you that are desperate. All of you hurting and living with a God-sized hole you’re filling with Chipotle and KFC. This is all I have to offer in ways of advice to get yourself started. I hope in some way it helps give you the answers you need.

Continue reading this guest blog at The Writing Shed

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8 Ways to Learn My Mom Cleaning Methods

8 Ways to Learn My Mom Cleaning Methods

I follow a lot of my fellow mommy bloggers on all social media platforms. I have to say, last night I broke out in a cold sweat after reading some of Housewife How-To’s blog entries. With every entry on weekly sheet washing, daily vacuuming, and monthly baseboard scrubbing I sunk deeper and deeper into an anxiety-riddled panic attack.

People change their sheets weekly?

Wash their dishes after every meal?

What the fuck are baseboards? 

Not only was I on the verge of a mental break, I felt quite less like the trophy wife I pictured myself being. My poor husband! That poor man is stuck with a stinky wildebeest when he deserves a delicate flower who presses his undies.

Then I snapped out of it.

There have to be more women like me. So, I googled “brilliant messy women” and a quote from the glorious J.K. Rowling popped up.

People very often say to me, “How did you do it? How did you raise a baby and write a book?” and the answer is, I didn’t do housework for four years! I’m not Superwoman, and living in squalor that was the answer. -J.K. Rowling

THIS! This is who I want to be! I am not June Cleaver. What I am good at is half-assing this housework thing like a boss. 

So, without further ado, here are Mrs. Mommy Mack’s tips on How to Cut Corners Like a Mom since you have better things to do than scrub. Like, anything. You don’t have to be writing The Sorcerer’s Stone. You could be taking a well deserved fucking nap for all I care.

CLICK HERE TO FINISH READING THE STEPS IN THIS GUEST BLOG ON SCARYMOMMY

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Comment below with your half ass techniques!

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4 Ways Losing 100 Pounds Made Me a Better Mom

4 Ways Losing 100 Pounds Made Me a Better Mom

Over the last year, I have nearly completed my goal of losing 100 pounds. I am a work-at-home mother of four who’s been overweight my whole life. But, after the birth of my twins, shit got real. I wasn’t just a fat girl who loved life, pizza and booze a little too much. I was a mom who had four kids, a husband, two cats and a dog relying on her. This weight thing needed to be addressed.

First of all, let me just start off by saying, I am in no way the best mom. Sure, I can multitask like a damn superhero and my kids are still alive, but most of the time I am mediocre at best.

Secondly, I am in no way some transformed Extreme Makeover or a new person in the least. Losing 100 pounds can change in the drop of a hat. I am terrified every day that a Reese’s is going to send me over the edge and I will spiral down the chubby rabbit hole, yet again.

But, how have I changed? Yes, physically there is quite the difference, but what about my life? What is different?

Motherhood. That is the biggest improvement and I am eternally grateful. Here’s what I can do now that I am done losing 100 pounds:

  1. Keep up. This is the most obvious reason. Before, I couldn’t even climb into a bouncy castle without nearly shitting myself. Now, I can teach my squirrelly foursome yoga, wrestle on the floor, climb the stairs 1,257 times a day for: waters, blankets, monsters, etc.
  2. Keep calm. Mentally, losing weight has done wonders for my anxiety. Yes, I am still medicated. But, I feel like the cellulite has been removed from my brain. I don’t have as many chest clenching moments that end in screaming matches with a stubborn two year old. Don’t get me wrong, I am still a raving lunatic, just not quite as raving.
  3. Keep happy. So, you know how losing weight makes you feel sexy, agile and less apt to cringe when your husband gets that look in his eye? Yes, my kids benefit from mommy getting laid. Nothing says “happy, jolly, carefree motherhood” like a mom who just got a piece. Sorry, kids, I hope you’re not learning to read with this blog.
  4. Keep alive. Sure, I could get executed by sanctimommies tomorrow, but losing 100 pounds has increased the odds of me seeing another day. I have four little beings who need me to be here for: weddings, graduations, first kisses, mother/son dances, grandbabies and many, many more unexpected memories. I can’t leave my kids without a mom in high school. That kind of pain doesn’t leave your heart.

losing 100 pounds better mom mrsmommymack

Mom Guilt: The Disease of Motherhood

Mom Guilt: The Disease of Motherhood

Mom guilt should be in WebMD. It is real. It is painful. It is something we need a cure for.

This past week, I had quite the bout of mom guilt. It surrounded a conversation in one of my mom Facebook groups. The topic? Leashes for your kids.

I’m not talking leashes around the kids’ necks. I’m talking backpacks the kids wear with a leash attached to the backpack to keep them within a four-foot radius.

Apparently, hell hath no fury like moms talking about baby leashes. I nonchalantly mentioned that I would definitely invest in two for my twins once they are mobile because…twins. I was then called: lazy, stupid, embarrassing, and nothing short of Adolph Hitler herself.

 

Um, excuse?

 

Here’s my issues with this flagrant abuse of mom shaming.

  1. Are you a professional mother? when did it become okay to act like you are the mother of all mothers? Like, you personally invented mothering and know all there is to know and no one will ever convince you otherwise. Get real, girlfriend, because as soon as you need help with your heathens, no one will be around to give you a hand.
  2. Every kid is different. Do you have my kids? Apparently they came out of your loins because you know exactly how to take care of them. Some behave well in public, others act like jungle children. Sure, some of us could be tougher and some of us could have more patience. But, in the end, kids each have their own personalities and some are more difficult to manage than others.
  3. Every parenting style is different. A lot of the shamers thought leashes were unnecessary because “back in your day” if they didn’t follow in line behind their parents like a soldier to the Aryan Youth, they were “taken in the back of the van and beat.” Well, as fun as that sounds, Ellie Mae Clampett, I don’t whip my children for being children. Well, I don’t whip them at all. I get it. Some of you are spankers. I’m not a spanking mom but I get it.
  4. Until you have been in my shoes, STFU. One of the women in the group told me she babysat for four kids and took them places without leashes and did so amazing President Obama himself gave her a Congressional Medal of Honor. Great on you. But, being a babysitter and being a mom are NOT the same thing.

So, how about we get our noses out of other moms’ business for a hot second? If we are all doing our best, trying our hardest and looking out for our kids’ best interests, isn’t that enough? Just because you spank and I don’t doesn’t mean I’m a better mom. Just because I’m overly cautious and you aren’t, doesn’t mean you’re a bad parent.

We are all trying. Our parents tried. No one is right and no one is perfect. Let’s all reel it in a tickle before we light our pitchforks in the mommy groups. We are all too busy judging and calling names and not looking out for who matters most: the kids. If we really struggle as parents, who can we ask for help? Where can we turn if we are being called lazy pieces of shit by other moms?

Let’s take it down a notch.

Meanwhile, anyone have a baby leash recommendation?

ASMR Relaxation: The Key to Wine-Free Mommy Time

ASMR Relaxation: The Key to Wine-Free Mommy Time

If you’ve personally known me for longer than five years, you’ve seen me (over)indulge in a couple adult beverages. Even as I started adding to my household, I continued to celebrate Mommy Wine or Whiskey Hour. This turned into Mommy Hangover Morning and Mommy Eats a Whole Pizza Every Night. So, as I got four kids deep I decided drinking on the clock (which never stops, I might add) is probably not for me. But, what in the actual fuck is a mom supposed to do to relax when booze is off the shopping list?

 

There’s something about me that very few people know. I have admitted it to, maybe, two people in my life and they looked at me like some kind of pervert so I have kept it mum until recently. Growing up, I discovered this weird feeling. Not a sexual feeling, but the euphoria was quite similar. It happened when I watched people perform attention-to-detail tasks. For instance, I had a friend who was very OCD. I, on the other hand, am whatever the opposite of OCD is. When I watched her color code her planner, align her pencils on her desk in a meticulous fashion or perfect an art project, the hairs on the back of my head would stand up. I would melt into my chair. The hair on my arms would raise and I would be completely, and utterly relaxed.

 

For my 30 years, I always thought I was some kind of anomaly. Like people who are sexually attracted to kitchen appliances. What was wrong with me?

 

But, in a desperate plea to meditate/relax one wine-free evening, I read another mom say that watching massage videos helped her relax. Huh. Sounded weird, but I was about to chug mouthwash so I gave it a shot. I stumbled across ASMR Psychetruth on YouTube and my mind exploded. This adorable woman was massaging silent people while she whispered into a microphone. Instantly my whole body melted into the bed and I was asleep. The next day, I was astonished when I googled ASMR. It stands for Autonomous Sensory Meridian Response and it was EXACTLY what I experienced when I saw people draw on whiteboards, play with my hair or color pictures.

 

There are many different triggers for different people. So, if you have yet to experience the meditative bliss that is ASMR, try different videos. ASMR Psychetruth has many different videos. From hair brushing, to back tickling to mouth noises (yuck), there’s something to trigger any fellow ASMR experiencer. There are also YouTubers like ASMR Darling who I have recently started watching who pretends to give you a head massage and that was an instant sedative as well.

 

For real, give this a try. I have tried meditating, yoga, essential oils, massages, researching lobotomies and nothing has put me into a complete and utter puddle of relaxation as ASMR triggers. It is the one thing that relaxes me more than alcohol and Xanax.

 

Still think I’m a freak? Well, check out the entire community on Reddit for fellow ASMR whack jobs.

 

Have another alcohol-free relaxation technique? For the love of all things holy, PLEASE leave it in the comments!!!!

Mom Phrases: What She Says and What She Really Means

Mom Phrases: What She Says and What She Really Means

Guest Blog by Busy Mom Diary

As parents we do so much for our kids. We spend hours searching the house for the blue sippy cup like it’s an Academy Award because it’s the only damn sippy cup that your child will take with them for a nap, and for the love of all things holy, we are never skipping another nap time. We let our children paint their own nails and tell them how fantastic it looks on their tiny nails as we try not to wince as the nail polish finds its wan onto the carpet. We build their self-esteem by telling them how amazing, smart, funny, pretty and handsome they are throughout their childhood.

 

But then there are the times when they’ve asked us the same question 100 times in a period of 5 minutes, we’re reached our limit and we have so much to say but we really shouldn’t say it so directly. So we say something completely different to what we are really thinking.

 

You know the words and phrases that I’m talking about. You have probably heard your own mother say them and you likely even use them yourself from time to time.

 

Like these select phrases…

 

Maybe: The answer is no and you better stop asking me before you get in to serious trouble.

 

I will think about it: I really don’t have the time or the energy to argue with you and I’m hoping that you will forget about this conversation all together.

 

Let’s see who can be the most quiet until we get home: Please zip your mouth, I’m trying to concentrate and drive because I have no idea where the heck I am going.

 

What? I’m pretty sure that I heard what you said, but am giving you a second chance to change your mind on that comment.

 

I’ll be there in 5 minutes: Crap, I forgot I was suppose to pick you up and I’m now just putting on my shoes.

 

We are leaving in 5 minutes: Where are your shoes? Get your jacket, we are leaving right now.

 

Where is your dad? You are annoying me and I’m bout to lose my shit, please go find someone else to annoy right now.

 

We’ll see: I’m not sure at the present time but you can bet that your attitude and behaviour over the next 24 hours will help me decide an answer.

 

One second/In a minute I’m busy watching TV or doing somethin’ and I’m not moving from this position until a commercial or until you shout at me again.

 

Wow, really? I can’t believe you just did that or said something, but I’m kinda also proud and I’m trying not to smirk.

 

Uh-huh: I’m not really listening and I’m hoping you’ll stop talking soon.



crystal

About This Busy Mom

I am a full-time working, potty-mouthed and tempered, home-cooking, thrift-finding thirty-something mom on a budget. I live in Ontario, Canada with her cancer-surviving husband and their two children, aged 12 and 14.  I started this little blog as a hobby but now it is being used it as a platform to talk and speak out about my personal family experiences, my daughter’s challenging time with mental illness, parenting adventures and anything else that comes to my attention. I also occasionally share product reviews and recipes.

 

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