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Weird Shit Women Do When Trying to Lose Weight

Weird Shit Women Do When Trying to Lose Weight

I spent a good chunk of my pubescent years in Weight Watchers meetings. I can remember listening to blue-haired biddies’ latest shish kabob recipes while I scribbled notes on Lisa Frank notebooks hoping the mere act of writing would burn off some of the Coke I drank that day.

I can remember, as a middle schooler, laying spread eagle on our dining room floor telling my mom I felt faint. She (seriously) told me it was because I ate some vegetables and my body wasn’t used to it. I was astonished. Wasn’t I supposed to feel better? Coke didn’t do me wrong like that.

Since then, I have been in a constant battle with the scale and surrounded by other women trying to lose weight. Ask any woman and she will tell you her goal weight faster than she can tell you her own birthday. It seems every single woman in the world has had this number in her head her entire life and once she sees it on the scale, she will take over the world. In her tried and true attempts to reach her goal, there’s some weird, dark, sad shit that races through her brain. Shit she only tells her friends who sob to her about their latest midnight rendezvous with their freezer cheesecakes. Shit that she has thought day-in and day-out for as long as she can remember.

Here are a couple examples:

  1. She considers an eating disorder. At some point during her many attempts at losing that dreaded muffin top, she considers what it would be like to have an eating disorder. Probably not the one that you don’t eat, but maybe she could eat and then puke it up? Or what about laxatives? Then, she remembers the women out there who really have these diseases and feels immensely guilty. She adds this thought to her laundry list of issues to discuss to her future therapist.
  2. She doesn’t hate being sick. Vomit and diarrhea have a little bit of a silver lining during diet season. While she sits on the toilet with her puke bucket in hand, she Googles how many calories she earned back from being sick. Even if it’s just a cold, she is grateful for the time asleep instead of in front of the fridge.
  3. She misses things about her fat body. She’s doing it! She’s losing the weight! The numbers on the scale are becoming tolerable. But, what’s this? Where did these wrinkles come from? Since when does her arm jiggle like that? Now that she doesn’t have the extra plump, her body is shriveling and she is having flashbacks to Fat Bastard’s thin body and wondering if she would rather be fat and less shrivelled.
  4. She takes not-quite-before pictures. Her iPhone is loaded with pictures of herself in her skivvies in the most unflattering of angles. However, they are never quite at her heaviest since she wanted to make sure she was actually going to lose weight before snapping photos of her FUPA for the world (or even just herself) to see.
  5. She spends a lot of money. Obviously, she needs a Ninja for her smoothies, new Tupperware for her meal planning, 14 new pairs of yoga pants, running shoes, a Fitbit, a veggie noodle-maker, gym membership, a new purse for starting this journey, Spotify membership, sports bras, Absolute Nutrition visit, Whole Foods run, 5K entry fee, some “goal jeans,” and the list goes on and on. Don’t question her. Hell hath no fury like a woman on a weight loss mission.
  6. She considers everything exercise. She skips the elevator to the second floor and checks out her calves for definition in the break room mirror. She is more interested in sex after reading the Cosmo breakdown of how many calories each position burns. She obsessively checks her Fitbit after each trip to the bathroom.
  7. She feels invincible. Every woman who’s making strides to get healthier glows like a beam of sunshine. She is determined. She looks like Michael Phelps at the starting line. Ain’t nobody knocking her down. This is her time. This is the last time. She is woman. Hear her roar.

What weird shit do you do when you’re trying to lose weight? Let me know in the comments!

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Dear Jealous Women, Let’s Stop Hating Each Other

Dear Jealous Women, Let’s Stop Hating Each Other

I love reality television. My husband and my guilty pleasures are Survivor and Big Brother. We watch every single season and it never fails, early on in every season the women want to have an all-girls’ alliance. They grab hands all teary-eyed and lift up their Rosie the Riveter fists and exclaim, “This will be the year the women’s alliance succeeds!” And it never, ever fails, one or two episodes later those same jealous women who held each other in that Hands Across America moment tear into each other like hyenas on a carcass. I have yet to see women successfully join together without ripping each other apart.

 

I am just as guilty as the next woman. I have had many, many moments of hating the woman next to me for being prettier than me, smarter than me, skinnier than me, more annoying than me, etc. There are many, many women I would love nothing more than to bitch slap and only a select few I feel I can tolerate. I will talk shit for DAYS, but I am not perfect.

 

So, I find it just as hard as the next woman to wrap my mind around banding together with my fellow ladies. This morning, however, I felt a real sense of pride for the women in my social circles. I see women every single damn day trying to better themselves. Just today, I watched a video from a very passionate friend discussing the benefits of a supplement she sells. I saw another mom singing “You Are My Sunshine” to herself in the mirror to pump herself up for the day. I have another friend hosting a class to teach women to become empaths. I see us all growing and learning and teaching and becoming something.

 

So, let’s stop being jealous women.

 

We should be proud of each other. We shouldn’t be rolling our eyes every time we see a new makeup tutorial. We should be sharing the shit out of it because maybe you don’t want to splurge but maybe someone you know has four kids and one hour of sleep and needs nothing more than foundation that can cover a third eyeball.

 

Maybe we can all think a little differently. Watch one of their videos or read one of their posts. Look at the passion that most of them have. I just watched a video of the friend who sells health supplements, and while the inner bitch in me wants to be like: WE GET IT! I really took a look at that passion and that desire to provide for her family. That feeling of finding her own way in a world full of people ready to cut her down. How many times has she heard criticisms? Yet, there she is. She believes in what she does, she loves what she does and she is making it happen. And she is fucking great at it.

 

I have another friend who just started selling hats she is knitting every single day to try and sell. God bless her, she loves doing it and is really great at it. But, I can also see the nervousness. I can see how terrifying it must be to put yourself out there in front of hundreds of jealous women on Facebook unsure of what is being whispered about and who is doubting you.

 

 

There are so many of us. So many of us sitting in our sweatpants biting our nails over putting ourselves out there. We put off our big step for one more day, week, year. We are terrified of our fellow women. Well, let’s be that change. Let’s support each others’ passions. Whatever they may be. Maybe it’s taking three minutes a week to read someone’s blog. Maybe it’s not Amazon Priming all the Christmas gifts this year. Maybe it’s treating ourselves to mascara that costs more than $3 because we fucking deserve it.

 

 

Let’s do this for all of us, ladies. Share that status. Help them out.

 

Jealous women can make our own all-girls’ alliance.

 

It’s us against the world

 

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