The Hot Mess Mom’s Guide to Baby Registries

The Hot Mess Mom’s Guide to Baby Registries

Disclaimer: NO this is not a sponsored post. Meaning, none of these companies have paid me to recommend their products. YES, I have included affiliate links (read more about those here). Enjoy!

I have four kids. I get asked a lot about what I recommend for baby products. Let me just say, whew, babies are no joke. Like, for real. As a parent, I would sell internal organs at some points to soothe their screeches and make life at least remotely easier.

Shit gets expensive.

As a middle (lower?) class parent, having four kids requires some serious budgeting. If you’re like me, you’re extremely frugal (my husband actually is and forces it on me, but I digress) but get clouded by pregnancy hormones and the next thing you know you’re crying into $300 worth of baby socks.

Let me help.

I’m going to tell you literally all of the items you need to register for and what items you can skip to save your pocketbook (or marriage).

First, let’s start with saving money! Here’s the crap I wouldn’t buy again:

  • A crib. What the shit? This chick is NUTS! Nope. Not. First of all, there are much more ergonomically and spatially beneficial products than a crib. Sure, it’s cute and magical and all that sappy crap, but, when it’s all said and done most of my kids never set foot in the two that we have. But they transition into toddler/twin beds! Yeah, once you have your teething heathen in that bed, you won’t want to transition. It will look like someone put it through a wood chipper with all those jagged little teeth marks up and down every square inch of your precious $400 chew toy.
  • Bumbos. You know, those little chairs that make your babies look like uncomfortable piles of mashed potatoes? Skip.
  • Noise machines. Ever heard of a fan? Skip.
  • Mobile. First of all, isn’t this, like, a little noose dangling above their beds? Yep. Pass.
  • Baby clothes. Gosh, this one is painful even to write. I know the absolute heroin-like high that comes with rubbing little onesies on your face and dreamily staring at your bulging gut. Calm your tits a little. Everyone and their cocker spaniel is going to buy you baby clothes. Literally everyone. Save your money.
  • Baby toys. Again, everyone is going to use that last $5 impulse purchase to buy little rubber keys that will cascade to the bottom of you toy box in two weeks. Babies don’t play with toys. By the time they do, they will be lost and you’ll have 17 dozen more to replace them.

Okay, okay, Negative Nancy. Get to the good stuff! Let’s S-H-O-P! 

Here are the items you absolutely must register for:

  • Amazon Prime membership. Hell, your entire registry should be on Amazon. Everyone Primes everything and everyone hates going to those germ-infested kiosks at Target and printing off 32 pages of your registry and then learning Mandarin in order to figure out what color sheets to buy.
  • Huge ass diaper bag. You are going to need to shove a lot of shit in that bag sometimes. Most of the time, it’s a diaper bag and your purse. This Skip Hop Duo bag changed my life. I had it with my twins and wish I had it with the other two turds. Lots of pockets, room for a pump if you need it and, when your dog pees on it, you can easily get the urine stench/stain out of it.
  • Snap and Go stroller. Again, this was a recent discovery. It seems bizarre. Just a frame to hold your infant carseat? However, it’s genius. It takes up less than half the space of a travel system and costs way, way less. I mean, if you spring for a travel system, aren’t you getting rid of it with the matching infant carseat? So, you never actually used the seat portion of the stroller. Snap and Go all the way.
  • A good carseat. I know, this is supposed to be a cheap list, but since I saved you money elsewhere, spend it here. This Chicco carseat is: cute, easy to clean, comfy, light and super easy to use. I have had four infant carseats. This one takes the cake, by far.

  • U-Shaped pillows. I have had Boppies and the generic versions. Both are great. Go generic for the extra savings. You definitely need these for those first few months. I used them in my lap and whenever I laid the babies anywhere that wasn’t their beds. They always loved the little cocoons.

  • Rock and Play. Holy farts on fire, this is the best thing you will ever, ever, ever need. I’m not kidding. Don’t go with the battery-operated version unless you have a battery factory. Get the one that plugs in. These are so compact, easy to store and baby cocaine. No bassinets needed. This is all you need for beds for the first 4-6 months.

  • Bouncy chair. My twins had colic. For a few weeks (months? years?) I had to bounce them in these chairs with my feet in order to keep them from waking the neighbors deaf dog up in the night. Buy the chair. Worth every penny. The vibration feature was worthless to me. Mostly because we would have spent $456 a day in batteries to keep that shit running. Just need the chair and anyone’s foot to rock that beast until they graduate high school.

  • Jumperoo. No, you don’t need this right away, but they can be an expense, so I recommend having Grandma and Grandpa buy them. Get the ones that actually hit the floor, not with a platform underneath. They don’t have enough jumping fun and get pissed real quick.

  • Avent bottles. You’re going to hear people tell you to buy 14 different styles because you never know your baby’s palette. I do. They like Avent. I have four kids and they all drank just fine from them. Buy them. You won’t be sorry.

  • Lots of pacifiers. This is where I would get two options but LOTS of those two options. You’re going to be delirious at 3 am digging between couch cushions wishing you had spent the extra $20 on emergency pacifiers. Spend the money right now. I recommend the standard newborn style and the softer nipple style.
  • Fart whistleWhat’s the now? Yes. This was an urgent overnight purchase I made with my twins. You see, they had severe gas issues. This was the holy grail of recommendations in my mommy groups. It’s like a butt straw you stick in their cracks that lets all the trapped farts loose. Yes, really. You can literally hear the whistle sizzle and see their little faces relax after their monster farts are freed. Buy a box and have it on hand. You can thank me later. 

hot mess mom baby registry mrs mommy mack

2 thoughts on “The Hot Mess Mom’s Guide to Baby Registries

  1. Hahaha, I love this sooo much!! Now that I’m pregnant with #2, I’ve been trying to decide what I REALLY need, and what I don’t want to spend my money on. My house is already overflowing with baby toys…
    DEFINITELY not getting another crib, hahaha. My son has never spent a night in his, and it’s literally just full of clothes waiting to be folded. Thanks for the great list! <3

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